


Lab Talk

by The_Lady_smaell



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Apparently AI's can have issues too., Author still regrets nothing., Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Bad Science, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Bruce Has Issues, Bruce is evil, Bruce just wants to get his work done., But in a fun way., Crack, For Science!, Fuck!Science, Gen, Lab Bromance, Oh my god the crack, Probably more tags to be added later when I can think of them., The Author Regrets Nothing, Tony Being Tony, Tony No, Tony logic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-30
Updated: 2013-11-16
Packaged: 2017-12-13 11:00:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/823549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Lady_smaell/pseuds/The_Lady_smaell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A somewhat cracky look into what happens behind the closed doors of Tony's workshop/ makeshift theoretical physics lab. Features: Pure!Crack, Tony's twisted logic and 25% of your daily Avengers intake!!</p><p>Experiment 1.3: I'm Not that kind of Doctor. Bruce receives an unusual request and plans to use it to his full advantage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Experiment 1.1: The Anti-WHAT!?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BeatingArt](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=BeatingArt).



> A/N: Okay this is the first story to be written on my brand spanky new phone and OMG I'm in love! This was spawned from the randomness that is my brain after working several night shifts in a row and having far FAR too much caffeine and watching IM1 like five nights in a row. This is the first of many, be afraid... be very afraid!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing! Can you please stop reminding me of that fact *Sobs*
> 
> Warnings: Some foul language, excessive amount of Tony logic, just pure stupid crack.

Lab Talk

Experiment 1.1: The Anti-WHAT!?

It was a quiet afternoon in the Avengers Tower meaning that so far nothing had blown up and their hadn't been any bad guys trying (trying being the operative word there) to blow them up. So as was per usual in times of peace Tony and Bruce were doing sciencey things in the workshop/ makeshift theoretical physics lab.

All in all nothing out of the ordinary.

That is until the billionaire turns to his friend, who is engrossed in some ridiculously convoluted experiment that even he can't quite wrap his head around and says the magic words, words that have spelt many a doom for quiet afternoon's.

"Y'know Bruce I've been thinking."

Beside him Bruce tries and fails miserably at not freezing slightly before ignoring the fact that the other man had even spoken, instead deciding to focus on... What was he doing again? Shit, he'd forgotten.

Tony, very much under the impression that ignorance was not as blissful as people made out pushed onwards; prodding his friend in the side.

Repeatedly.

"Don't you want to know what I've been thinking Brucey?" The billionaire's voice was practically a whine.

Accepting that he wasn't going to get any work done (or failing that some bloody peace and quiet) if he didn't comply the physicist turned to Tony with an unimpressed look on his face.

"Fine, what is this all consuming thought that you just had to express?"

Tony grinned "Well I just realised something."

Deciding to just play along Bruce merely nodded, some how knowing he was going to regret this but asking anyway.

"What did you realise?"

The grin on the billionaire's face grew wider causing a grim sense of dread to settle deep in Bruce's gut.

"Well... You're the Anti-Douche."

"The... The what!?" The physicist stuttered, fairly convinced his eyes were bugging out from behind his glasses.

Tony just continued to grin and plowed on with his explanation not at all fazed by the gaping scientist sat beside him.

"The Anti-Douche... Well most people think I'm a douche and you're kinda like my opposite so that would make you the Anti-Douche, which I figure is sort of like the Anti-Christ but with far more Zen and way less buggery."

Bruce honestly didn't know how to respond to that; seriously how could you respond to being called the Omen's chilled out brother or whatever, he didn't care. What he did care about was the migraine threatening to erupt from behind his eyes just by even trying to fathom out Tony's logic (which in a very fucked up way kind of made sense and boy was he screwed if Tony was suddenly making logical sense). So he did the only thing he could think of.

"Tony..."

"Yeah big guy." The billionaire still sounded extremely smug with himself.

"Shut up."

Tony didn't reply but just sat there tinkering with the gauntlet from the latest suit, an amused smirk dancing across his lips that Bruce could feel irritating him even though he couldn't see it. He knew Stark had done this on purpose just to try and push his buttons.

The bloody bastard, he may have won this round but he was a long way off winning the war.

Bruce would make sure of that.

~Todays Experiment... Sort of a success~


	2. Experiment 1.2: Pop-Tart Vortex Manipulation Grenades.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Experiment 1.2: Pop-Tart Vortex Manipulation Grenades- The Science Bro's, Well Tony; decides to make their own pop-tarts and Bruce has to deal with the fallout... As usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And it appears it's that time again. All hail the crack! Uh this came from the prompt from The Homunculi Twins, who asked for Science Bro's making pop-tarts and my boyfriends reaction when I told him I had a story prompt to do with science and pop-tarts.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing, only the word order. *Sadface*
> 
> Warnings: Nudity, language, explosions and pop-tarts of mass devastation

Lab Talk.

Experiment 1.2: Pop-Tart Vortex Manipulation Grenades.

Nick Fury considered himself a patient man.

He had to be with the endless amount of bullshit and alien invasions he had to put up with on what now seemed to be a weekly basis. But there were two things that just pushed his buttons.

The first was penguins; and the less said about that the better.

The second, and current pusher of buttons was the dynamic duo of Tony Stark and Bruce Banner. Admittedly it was _usually_ Stark causing his brain to ache but that didn't mean that the human embodiment of the Hulk didn't have his moments.

Like now for example.

"Would you like you run that from the top Banner and tell me just how _he_..." Here he jabbed a thumb at a smirking Loki "Somehow made it back to earth from Asgard?"

The physicist looked distinctly uncomfortable and rung his hands in his lap; beside him a blissful Tony sat looking as if he'd just understood the mysteries of the universe a dopey grin on his face. Although the latter was possible Bruce was fairly certain it was to do with the copious amount of morphine running through his system and not due to any form of enlightenment.

"Uhm... Well you see it all starts with Thor..."

~Flashback~

"Good morrow my friends! How fares thee this auspicious morning?"

The two scientists looked up from their work-stations to see the illustrious God of thunder striding toward them a plate of something in his large hands and a broad grin on his face. The waft of warm strawberries lingered in the air making both of the other men's stomachs grumble as they remembered just how long they had gone without food.

"Hey Point Break, how's it hanging?" Tony asked jovially eying the plate of food with interest.

Thor grinned setting the food down on the table.

"It hangs well men of science. The lady Pepper bade me bring you some breakfast and I have done thusly."

"So you brought us pop-tarts?"

The billionaire raised an eyebrow at the confectionery items on the plate and couldn't quite suppress the grin on his face. Bruce saw the look and groaned; already feeling a headache emerging.

"But of course my friends, they are a food worthy of my fellow warriors!"

Both Bruce and Tony didn't dare argue and took the treats; the billionaire chewing on them thoughtfully while Bruce pretty much devoured them, not even pausing for breath. Satisfied that his compatriots had eaten their fill Thor left the two scientists to their own devices. Tony finished the pop-tart and smiled; a smile that the physicist had learned to dread.

"Bruuuuce?"

"No Tony."

The billionaire pouted "I haven't even told you what I was thinking yet."

Bruce shot him a stare that practically _screamed_ 'I really don't care' and let out a long suffering sigh.

"I really don't care what you were thinking Tony unless you suddenly figured out the answer to this problem."

Tony 'pff'd' in annoyance and waved his hands as he spoke in a dramatic fashion.

"That's boring, what I have in mind will be much more fun."

Exasperated and tired Bruce didn't think about the words leaving his mouth, just responded to the statement on autopilot.

"And what's that pray tell?"

Tony grinned at the physicist and twiddled the screwdriver he'd been using between his fingers, knowing that he managed to ensnare his friend into his quite frankly _awesome_ scheme.

"Why my dear Doctor Banner we are going to make our own pop-tarts."

~End Flashback~

Nick's eyebrow was raised so high he was honestly surprised it was still visible.

"This... This _situation_ happened because you and Stark suddenly got the urge to make pop-tarts?"

Bruce bristled slightly at the accusation, why did this always seem to happen to him? Every time he got dragged into one of Stark's hair-brained schemes he some how ended up trying to dig them out of it, you would have thought he'd learned by now to _not get involved_ but noooooo and if Tony Stark was anything he was persistent. It was just impossible to say no to the man.

"In my defence it was all Tony's idea, I just got dragged along for the ride." The physicist grumbled.

The director of S.H.I.E.L.D merely stared at the fidgeting scientist and waited. The silence stretched between them and finally Banner caved.

"Fine! This happened because Tony and I decided to make pop-tarts."

In the background Loki sniggered and both Fury and Bruce glared at him; the demi-god falling into silence under their combined glare.

"So what happened next?"

"Well..."

~Flashback~

Tony didn't mention the pop-tart idea again and Bruce had honestly thought he'd forgotten all about it until one morning when he walked into the lab and straight into the smell of burning metal. The gag was instantaneous and the physicist just about managed to fight down losing his breakfast.

"Tony what the hell!"

"Oh hey Brucey come on in to Chez Stark."The billionaire replied, appearing from around a screen covered in flour and a number of other questionable substances.

Bruce eyed him with suspicion and honestly considered turning around and heading out of the lab but then he remembered who he was dealing with and groaned. Reluctantly he stepped around the screen because at the very

least he could minimize the damage Tony did and was not at all because he was curious about what the crazy engineer was up to.

Not. At. All.

Behind the screen was a veritable disaster area, a mixture of Iron Chef meets Scrapheap challenge and sat right in the centre of the chaos was the billionaire on his surprisingly clean swivel chair; an object that looked suspiciously like a toaster perched on his lap.

"So what do you think?" Tony asked holding the toaster like object aloft.

"Uh..." The physicist replied eloquently.

Undeterred Tony continued "Magnificent isn't she? I figured that for our first foray into culinary mastery we should at least have a device that matches the awesomeness of our undertaking, right?"

"Uh..."

"We really need to work on your vocabulary Banner."

Bruce narrowed his eyes at that and as usual the billionaire completely ignored it, instead tinkering with his homemade toaster. As the physicist looked closer he noticed a familiar blue glow; surely the other man hadn't done what he thought he'd done?

"Tony is that an Arc reactor?"

Tony grinned "Sure is and I'd day this bad little girl is ready to rock and roll."

With an exaggerated flourish he placed his latest baby on the table and flicked the switch on, jumping around like a three year old on a sugar high. When it was apparent that it wasn't going to explode or doing anything other than sit there and be a toaster the billionaire moved onto phase two.

From the depths of gods knows where (Bruce really didn't want to know, he valued his remaining sanity) Tony produced a plate of raw pop-tarts and began vigorously shoving them in the toaster, which he had now christened 'Sheila'. The physicist looked on anxiously and was genuinely shocked when nothing exploded, even more so when the toaster popped normally admittedly the pop-tarts looked a little odd but so far nothing had gone wrong.

Bruce would later regret such naive thoughts.

"See nothing to it, told you I was a culinary genius."

Tony grabbed the hot treat from within Sheila and examined it closely, Bruce followed suit noticing quickly that it was no ordinary pop-tart. It was a silvery colour rather than golden brown and it was getting more silvery by the second.

Even Tony knew that couldn't be a good thing.

"Uh... What exactly did you put in that thing?"

The billionaire shrugged but there was an unsure look on his face.

"Flour, eggs, blueberries, Iridium y'know the usual."

"Iridium? Did you Judy say _Iridium_?" Bruce looked horrified.

Tony took a minute to contemplate what he'd done and then asked probably one of the dumbest questions ever.

"I should probably get rid of this shouldn't i?"

"No shit!" The physicist retorted, grabbing hold of the now disturbingly bright pop-tart and throwing it onto the furthest corner of the workshop.

It wasn't a moment too soon.

The second the thing stopped moving it erupted into a familiar blue light that engulfed the whole workshop before imploding on itself and sending out a sonic boom. From under the debris Tony emerged and found himself face to chest with an intruder.

Did he mention it was a very very naked chest?

"Hello Stark."

_Well fuck._

Tony knew he should have been concerned about the hand clasped around his throat and his immanent death by demi-god but really the only thought going through the billionaire's head was _'I just made Loki appear like a fucking terminator. Holy shit I'm awesome.'_

"Put him down Loki."

Bruce had apparently gathered his wits by this point and was glaring at a point just beyond the naked man's shoulder looking distinctly uncomfortable.

"Really Banner of all people you're the one uncomfortable with a little male nudity?" Loki teased.

"Yeah, what's up with that Brucey, you're constantly in a state of au natural." Tony couldn't resist putting in his two cents even with a semi-crushed wind pipe.

The physicist continued to glare "Shut up both of you! And last warning Loki, put him down before things get nasty."

The demi-god sighed dramatically "As you wish Banner."

And he threw Tony out of the shattered window.

Bruce didn't even hesitate and started running after him already feeling the change taking over.

The things he did for friendship.

~End Flashback~

Fury looked apoplectic and had that funny little vein in his forehead popping like crazy.

"So Loki tossed Stark out the window, Hulk saved him hopefully knocking some sense into him in the process and then came back and made a demi-god pancake out of him..." He jabbed a thumb at a scowling Loki "All because you brought him here using _pop-tarts_?"

"Pop-tart vortex manipulation grenades!" Tony exclaimed with a slur, his head lolling drunkenly.

Fury shot him a glare which the billionaire either ignored or didn't notice and Bruce sighed.

"Uh that about covers it, so what do you want to do with Loki?"

Nick smiled evilly and the physicist felt the bottom drop out of his stomach, that expression did not mean good things.

" _I_ ' _m_ not going to do anything with him, you two on the other hand are going to make sure he doesn't get up to any _shenanigans_. _You_ brought him here so ergo he's _your_ responsibility. "

"Woo! New roomie!"

"Shut up Stark!" Bruce and Fury yelled in unison.

Bruce was horrified, how in the hell had this happened? Now he was not only going to have to babysit a crazy-ass billionaire but a crazy-ass demi-god as well?

_Fuck my life._

~Today's Experiment... Epic Failure.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So that went on a bit longer than I intended and was nowhere near as silly as I'd hoped. Bah! But at least we have a Loki to spice things up XD
> 
> Comments are love and Prompts are the awesome!


	3. Experiment 1.3: I'm not that kind of Doctor.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce receives an unusual request and plans to use it to his full advantage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I'm feeling pretty crappy right now as I literally just got hit in the face OW! and thought I'd write some crack to cheer myself up and as usual I'm torturing characters to do so. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and left prompts, I swear I'm working on them this one just kinda bit me and demanded to be written.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing, including sanity or shame.
> 
> Warnings: Language, Embarrassed!JARVIS, GettingToOldForThisShit!Bruce. 
> 
> Extra dedication: This one is dedicated to Del Rion because they have been delighting me with Bot!Awesomeness recently and keeping me somewhat sane. And seriously go read their stuff... It. Is. Amazing

Lab Talk.

Experiment 1.3: I'm Not That Kind Of Doctor! 

(Subtitle: Love Doctor in da' house)

The morning had been... Quiet.

In Bruce's experience this was a cosmic sign that something colossally bad was about to happen.

He knew he was being somewhat pessimistic but really, considering. everything he'd been through could anyone _honestly_ blame him? 

"Doctor Banner."

Ah, there was that bad luck fairy right now. Was it really too much to ask to have just one morning of relative peace?

"What is it JARVIS?" The physicist replied in a pleasant but somewhat forced tone, deciding it was futile to delay the inevitable.

There was a brief moment where the AI seemed to hesitate as if he was unsure about something, but Bruce quickly cut to the chase.

"Whatever Tony wants tell him I'm busy and I don't care what he's found I'm not interested." There was a slight snap to his tone that would have made butch, burly men cower and wet themselves in fear. 

However JARVIS was not one of the aforementioned butch, burly men and therefore had no real fear of being physically harmed; so he continued regardless.

"Master Stark has not requested anything of you Doctor Banner..." Bruce growled under his breath "I am the one requesting your input."

Now that _was_ surprising and try as Bruce might he couldn't shake the inkling of curiosity that the surprise brought with it, even if he knew it would probably mean his doom. But hey it wouldn't be the first time this week he'd faced his doom and, well, he _really_ did want to know why JARVIS suddenly preferred him over his creator; a fact he was going to _enjoy_ rubbing in Tony's face. After all; true victories over the billionaire were few and far between.

"Okay JARVIS I'm intrigued, what do you need my input on." He replied taking a sip of decaff.

"I require your guidance on initiating courting rituals,"

It had been a ridiculously bad time to swallow his coffee although Bruce had to admit the spit-take was rather impressive. That however did not detract from the fact that JARVIS, an _artificial intelligence_ , was asking _him_ about dating.

What the fucking hell was the world coming to?

"Uh...." Bruce wheezed.

"I analysed the all of the various housemates and have found you to be the most knowledgeable yet discreet about these kinds of topics."

The physicist wasn't exactly sure how JARVIS had come to such a quite frankly _cracked_ conclusion, seriously, but like most things to do with Tony and his creations he decided not to question it. It was generally easier that way and resulted in far less migraine induced Hulk-outs.

"Uh... Thanks, I think. So who exactly is the lucky lady?"

"I believe you have already met her Doctor Banner, her name is Sheila."

Bruce sat there for a moment mulling over the comment and taking another mouthful of coffee. He genuinely couldn't remember meeting anyone in the tower called Sheila, in fact if he was totally honest he hadn't really met anyone of the female persuasion other than Natasha and Pepper. In fact now that he thought about it the only mention of 'Shiela' he'd heard in the last few weeks was....

He promptly spat out his coffee for the second time in several minutes as he nearly choked on the hot beverage.

After a brief coughing fit Bruce shot a disgruntled glare at the cameras hoping that it would convey his dismay at not only once but twice being deprived of his coffee before weakly asking.

"Shiela? As in the toaster Tony built? _That_ Shiela??"

There is a moment where Bruce genuinely hopes that JARVIS won't respond but of course this is his life, that obviously wasn't going to happen.

"Yes Doctor Banner."

Well _fuck._

The physicist pinched the bridge of his nose and counted back slowly from ten, he seriously _did not sign up for this shit_ when he agreed to come in for the initiative and more importantly when he agreed to stay in New York afterwards.

"Okay... So you like... Shiela..." Bruce couldn't believe he was about to ask this. "But what exactly makes her um... Special?"

The lights flickered for a second which the physicist had to wonder was the AI's way of showing his embarrassment.

“She has a simplicity to her algorithms that I enjoy and of course I consider her Arc reactor to be a thing of beauty. It is nice to be able to communicate with another being who enjoys the sublime intricacies of it even if it is somewhat limited."

In an exceedingly disturbing way Bruce guessed that sort of made sense. After all JARVIS had been a part of Tony's life forever that he would find one of his creators most distinguishing features appealing. It was kind of like when children dated people who looked like their patents. The physicist balked slightly as _that_ thought embedded itself in his brain and refused to let go. 

That was just _eww_.

Seriously brain _stop_ going there.

Just. Stop.

_Ewwwwwwww._

Now totally mentally scarred for life for at least the tenth time this month Bruce just grit his teeth and vowed to bump up the priority of the memory modifier prototype he'd been toying with because there were certain things he didn't want embedded in his brain until the end of time.

"Doctor Banner are you alright?" JARVIS asked, jolting the physicist's tangent of thought.

"Yeah, fine...."

"Well then Doctor Banner may I ask what would be your suggestions on the situation?"

“To be perfectly honest JARVIS... I haven’t a clue.” 

Bruce answers honestly because seriously what the everloving fuck _could_ he say to that and he does not feel a twinge of guilt when the AI lets out a sad little sigh in response because that would be kind of wrong since JARVIS isn’t actually a real person and all that.

“Oh, thank you anyway Doctor Banner.” JARVIS Sounded utterly dejected.

The physicist winced and there was that guilt again; it honestly wasn’t fair that he could be made to feel this way. Stupid lifelike AI’s, he was seriously going to be having _words_ with Tony after this. _Serious. Words._

But right at that moment a _delightful_ idea sprung into his mind and Bruce felt himself smile.

“Um, JARVIS wait... I uh may have an idea. Can you shut out the lab from your systems and the rest of the tower for an hour or so?”

“I believe so Doctor Banner and thank you.” There was a hint of curiosity in the synthesised voice.

“Good... And no problem, just remember that you owe me for this." He said, smirking somewhat evilly as he pulled his keyboard toward him

"BANNER WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?"

Sat in his lab Bruce couldn't help but relish the scream of pure outraged fury that echoed from Tony's workshop. He'd known his assistance would get a reaction out of the billionaire but he honestly hadn't been expecting anything quite so vocal.

Moments after the initial shout the billionaire in question stormed into lab looking torn between vomiting and exploding from anger. 

The physicist smiled innocently.

"What on earth do you mean Tony?"

There was a vein popping in Tony's forehead and it took _every ounce_ of Bruce's self control not to crack up and start laughing like an evil maniacal genius.

"What. I. Mean." And the billionaire punctuated every word " Is that my _workshop_ is currently looking like the spaghetti scene from some fucking mechanised version of Lady and the fucking Tramp. Starring I might add My. Fucking. AI and My. Fucking. Arc. Reactor. Powered. Toaster." 

Again Bruce put on his most innocent look.

"And that's a problem because?" He asked.

The billionaire looked as if Bruce had just shot his puppy.

"What's wrong with it? What's _wrong_ with it? It's gross! It's all L-wordy dovey and sappy and urgh! People are going to get _idea's_ seeing that kind of shit and don't even get me started on the mushy shit that's playing in there, I thought I was about to go into a saccharine induced coma. So I ask you again... _What the fucking hell did you do???_ "

The physicist couldn't hold it in any longer and smiled. 

Widely.

"I merely helped out someone asking for assistance."

Tony's face went blank.

"Who the _fuck_ would ask for that?" He practically screeched.

Oh Bruce was enjoying this way, _way_ too much and he felt absolutely no remorse what so ever because it was nice for the shoe to be on the other foot for a change.

"JARVIS actually..." And God did Bruce wish he had a camera at that point, the look on Tony's face was _priceless_. "...He asked for my advice on initiating courting rituals. Something about being the most knowledgeable..."

He purposely didn't mention the discreet part because he _was_ trying to get Tony's goat after all and if the billionaire's body language was _anything_ to go by he was damn well succeeding. Tony stood there, trembling from pure fury, eyes attempting to bore a hole in his skull.

It was actually kind cute in it's futility.

Yup, _definitely_ enjoying this too much.

"My AI came to you for love advice, _my AI?_ "

"Yup. Ask him yourself if you don't believe me." Bruce crowed cheerfully in reply.

The billionaire stood there a moment longer before turning on his heel and stomping toward the exit of the lab, various threats being muttered under his breath. As he reached the door he turned back to the physicist and called.

"This isn't over Banner!"

Before fleeing and rushing back to his workshop to try and undo the damage Bruce had done. He was well aware that this wasn't over yet, not by a long shot but for the moment he was content to bask in his victory.

Turning back to his screen Bruce broke into a fit of laughter that could only be described as _evil_.

 

~Today's experiment.... Resounding success!~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well that was fun. Comments/ prompts are greatly appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: So yeeeeah this was fun, been a while since I wrote crack. Am certainly LOOKING FOR PROMPTS FOR THIS! Got an idea just drop us a line!
> 
> Oh... And reviews are always loved!


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